Baking the Bun: An Update From Nonerick Headquarters

I've been debating whether or not to post about this because it may not be a big deal, but I think the point of a blog is to share the good, bad, and ugly. Last week, I started having strange symptoms. I called our midwifery clinic, and while nothing required urgent attention, I did need to go in for a more thorough examination. Unfortunately, it looks like I may have an elevated risk of preterm labor. We'll know more next week, but in the meantime, I am supposed to take it easy. No exercise. No travel (sad because I was supposed to fly to North Carolina for a work retreat this week). No heavy gardening (gasp!). The good news is that the bun has a good heart beat and is baking right along. In fact, Ryan finally felt the baby kick for the first time on the same day that we went to the midwifery clinic! (By the way, for those of you tracking our fetus' future in professional soccer, Ryan gave the baby a good leg strength assessment.)

I have to admit that when I first found out that my symptoms were considered complications, I was upset for a variety of reasons. Obviously, the idea of going into labor when I'm only 23 weeks along is terrifying. However, I was also freaked out about backing out of a work trip at the last minute and needing a little more accommodation than usual. I loathe the idea of having to stay relatively still until further notice. Maybe it's the midwestern/Catholic/farm girl in me, but I despise the idea of making a fuss over something you can't control. I like to control things, sure, but I also like to fight back against what I can't control by finding a way to move forward anyway. For now, I need to be still and that stinks.

One of the worst thoughts I had was that I did something wrong to cause the problem. I've not been the most enthusiastic or confident mom-to-be, and on some level, I felt like the sarcastic jokes, offensive banter, and negative feelings were coming back to bite me.

The truth is that those comments come from an honest place. I'm not the expectant mom who thinks that pregnancy is wonderful and that the baby is (or should be) the center of my universe. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about teaching a kid how to read a river, how to read in general, or paint or draw. I can't wait to watch Ryan show him how to build stuff, dribble a soccer ball, or play the guitar. I'm anxious to see what kind of personality our kid has and learn from him. Despite all the good things, at the end of the day, I'm not 100 or even 60 percent sure that this was the right decision. I'm 50/50 on this thing and that makes me feel like I'm already inadequate as a mother.

Deep down, I'm scared about making the right sacrifices to support him and curbing my desire to control everything. While being a mom will require me to give up on some things, my ambitions are intense, and I don't want to give up on anything. I need my own life. If I don't balance things properly, I will probably resent the poor little guy. I guess the bottom line is that I have limits to what I can give, and I worry that I don't have enough to give my kid the best chance in life.

Anyway, back to the most important thing at this moment, the complications. Like I said before, we should know more next week, and I'm optimistic that everything will be fine. My colleague, Amy, had a baby last October, and she told me that there is usually at least one false alarm during pregnancy, and I'm hoping this is it.

Ryan is Mr. Focused. He seems to refuse to worry about things until we have all the information in front of us. Last weekend we talked about how my motto is, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst and always move forward" while his is, "Don't act until you know all you need to know to make a good decision." We approach things very differently, which is often a good thing but it can be hard. In this instance, I think we're both right, and we're doing our best to recognize what each of us needs to do: I'm moving forward by taking care of myself and getting my brain ready for as many outcomes as possible while Ryan is waiting for more information before figuring out how to react.

We'll see what happens. More to come from the Nonerick oven.