A Kick in the Pants

Following up on my incredibly depressing post from yesterday, I listened to an interview this morning with Gloria Steinem, and it was exactly the swift kick in the tush that I needed. One of the issues Steinem talked about was the workplace -- frankly one of my main points of anxiety -- and she challenged my assumptions and expectations on parenting and a professional career. I would summarize the interview, but I really suggest folks listen to it on their own (it's under an hour long but totally worth it).

My anxiety about balancing work and family is rooted in the assumption that one is more valuable than the other. The reality is that they are both important, and while I may need to occasionally prioritize one over the other, I'm not going to sacrifice one for the other. I may not be confident in my ability to be a good parent, but I am confident that I want both a career and a family. That's my decision, and it's a decision that millions of men and women make. Society must evolve and recognize that raising a family is productive and valuable work just like professional work. As I said yesterday, I'm ambitious and that ambition isn't limited to just my work life. In the end, I'll be a stronger person for making a decision that I believe in.

For a long time, I've been frustrated that the work/family relationship is often considered a women's issue when in reality men have to make same decision, even if they don't admit it as often as women. Like me, Ryan needs to be both a nurturing caregiver and a professional, and we will be more supportive of each other if we acknowledge that we are both facing the same decisions and challenges. It may seem obvious to most (and Lord knows I'm a little slow), but it helps to reassess and remember that everyone who has children is in the same boat. Sometimes we just don't act that way.

Baking the Bun: An Update From Nonerick Headquarters

I've been debating whether or not to post about this because it may not be a big deal, but I think the point of a blog is to share the good, bad, and ugly. Last week, I started having strange symptoms. I called our midwifery clinic, and while nothing required urgent attention, I did need to go in for a more thorough examination. Unfortunately, it looks like I may have an elevated risk of preterm labor. We'll know more next week, but in the meantime, I am supposed to take it easy. No exercise. No travel (sad because I was supposed to fly to North Carolina for a work retreat this week). No heavy gardening (gasp!). The good news is that the bun has a good heart beat and is baking right along. In fact, Ryan finally felt the baby kick for the first time on the same day that we went to the midwifery clinic! (By the way, for those of you tracking our fetus' future in professional soccer, Ryan gave the baby a good leg strength assessment.)

I have to admit that when I first found out that my symptoms were considered complications, I was upset for a variety of reasons. Obviously, the idea of going into labor when I'm only 23 weeks along is terrifying. However, I was also freaked out about backing out of a work trip at the last minute and needing a little more accommodation than usual. I loathe the idea of having to stay relatively still until further notice. Maybe it's the midwestern/Catholic/farm girl in me, but I despise the idea of making a fuss over something you can't control. I like to control things, sure, but I also like to fight back against what I can't control by finding a way to move forward anyway. For now, I need to be still and that stinks.

One of the worst thoughts I had was that I did something wrong to cause the problem. I've not been the most enthusiastic or confident mom-to-be, and on some level, I felt like the sarcastic jokes, offensive banter, and negative feelings were coming back to bite me.

The truth is that those comments come from an honest place. I'm not the expectant mom who thinks that pregnancy is wonderful and that the baby is (or should be) the center of my universe. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about teaching a kid how to read a river, how to read in general, or paint or draw. I can't wait to watch Ryan show him how to build stuff, dribble a soccer ball, or play the guitar. I'm anxious to see what kind of personality our kid has and learn from him. Despite all the good things, at the end of the day, I'm not 100 or even 60 percent sure that this was the right decision. I'm 50/50 on this thing and that makes me feel like I'm already inadequate as a mother.

Deep down, I'm scared about making the right sacrifices to support him and curbing my desire to control everything. While being a mom will require me to give up on some things, my ambitions are intense, and I don't want to give up on anything. I need my own life. If I don't balance things properly, I will probably resent the poor little guy. I guess the bottom line is that I have limits to what I can give, and I worry that I don't have enough to give my kid the best chance in life.

Anyway, back to the most important thing at this moment, the complications. Like I said before, we should know more next week, and I'm optimistic that everything will be fine. My colleague, Amy, had a baby last October, and she told me that there is usually at least one false alarm during pregnancy, and I'm hoping this is it.

Ryan is Mr. Focused. He seems to refuse to worry about things until we have all the information in front of us. Last weekend we talked about how my motto is, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst and always move forward" while his is, "Don't act until you know all you need to know to make a good decision." We approach things very differently, which is often a good thing but it can be hard. In this instance, I think we're both right, and we're doing our best to recognize what each of us needs to do: I'm moving forward by taking care of myself and getting my brain ready for as many outcomes as possible while Ryan is waiting for more information before figuring out how to react.

We'll see what happens. More to come from the Nonerick oven.

Darcy's Quirky Pregnancy Observation #491

Tonight, I had my first experience where someone who hasn't seen me in a while immediately recognized that I was pregnant just by looking at me. I know this sounds like a little thing, but I was so excited. Not because pregnancy is some wonderful thing that I want to share with the world, but because I was relieved that someone viewed me as pregnant before thinking I was fat.

I'm not thrilled about having an obviously pregnant belly for all to see. I would much rather blend into the crowd and have to call in sick one day when I'm in labor. Call me crazy, but I would prefer to be one of those women on the TLC show "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" who have no belly or symptoms of any kind and end up having babies in odd circumstances, usually in the toilet. To be clear, I would want to know the entire time that I was pregnant, but I just wouldn't want it to show or attract attention. On the other hand, I think it would be even worse to be one of those pregnant women who look like they've binged on pizza and Ho Hos for 9 months instead of gestating a little human. So, I guess being obviously pregnant is an acceptable middle ground.

Am I a bad person? Maybe. Will I be a bad mother given my twisted mindset? Probably. But I take the small victories when I find them.

Oh, and I'll take a picture of the belly soon, but it's late and I'm already in sweatpants and lying in bed. For now, your imagination will have to suffice.

Peace!

P.S. Duke can suck it.

Ode to the garden

As you know by now, I love to garden. I have a lot to learn, but I really enjoy getting my hands dirty; waiting in anticipation when the garden is in its winter slumber; and enjoying the surprises that come with seeing the full palate in bloom. To me, there is nothing better than having freshly picked flowers in the house and outside my window. It helps me relax, and it makes a house that is usually full of dog and man odors smell light and clean.

This is the time of year when I start itching to dig in the dirt. Now that we've lived in the house for nearly two years, I know what plants I want to move, where the sunlight is best, and what areas need some extra love. Every year, I like to have a goal, and my goal this year is to grow more veggies because there is nothing better than a tomato picked from just outside your door. So far, I've planted strawberries that should produce fruit in a few months through the rest of the summer. I've sown four different kinds of lettuce plus arugula and green onion. I've planted parsley, oregano, and chives, which add to my existing herb garden of thyme, sage, sorrel, and a bay leaf tree. I've removed some overgrown shrubs that blocked precious sunlight from surrounding perennials. And, I've weeded. Boy have I weeded.

While I was weeding earlier today, I was trying the figure out what it is about gardening that I love so much. More than just the activity and the pride of seeing the results of my hard work, but what makes me want to squat and contort myself in very unflattering positions in front of my neighbors? Slowly, I realized that I get so much from gardening, and the benefits are immediate and long lasting.

Here are a ten reasons why gardening rocks:

1. Gardening is an outdoor workout. I love being outside, and I often wish I would enjoy the outdoors more frequently. There is no question that being outside is good for you, but I often find myself tired from a long week of work or distracted by other priorities that keep me -- often by my own fault -- from playing in the woods. However, a garden is right there in front of you. It's in your face and you can't ignore it. When I work in the garden, I squat, lift heavy objects over and over again, stretch for things, and walk, walk, walk. I get the same feeling when I hike or raft or bike, but I don't have to go anywhere. When I lose the baby weight, I think I may remake "Buns of Steel" but with a gardening theme.

2. Gardening teaches you to work smarter not harder (but it shouldn't be too easy). The reality is that you will never be able to do everything you want to do in your garden. You're busy and you get tired. When I go out to my garden, I try to identify the one or two big things I want to get done when I have a few hours to spare and two or three little things that I can do in 15 or 20 minutes. With those limitations, you try to focus on what gives you the biggest bang for your time and energy buck, and a garden doesn't lie so you quickly learn what is a good use of time (e.g., weeding and mulching in the spring when weeds are easy to remove) versus what is a waste of time (e.g., spending an entire day pulling a square foot of established weeds in the summer).

The reason I say gardening shouldn't be too easy is because I hate commercials that insist buying a chemical or a mutated plant that will never die is your key to garden happiness. Like almost anything, if it comes easy, it comes at a cost. Ordering pizza every night is easier than cooking dinner, but it costs a lot of money over time, harms your health, and it gets boring. Organic gardening is the same. It isn't hard, but it requires you to pay attention and use your resources wisely. As a result, you get healthier plants, more critters that entertain you when you are laying in your hammock, and you don't have to worry that your kid or your dog will get sick all over your new rug after getting exposed to harmful chemicals.

3. Gardening helps you be more nurturing and patient. I'm a selfish person. I don't say that because I want attention (wait, maybe I do since I'm a selfish person), but I admit that I like things my way. Organic gardening forces you to learn about what something else needs to live and requires you to figure out how to balance what you want with what the plant needs. Plants are unique, and even though an instruction card on a new plant may say one thing, you may find, after years of experimentation and desperation, that the plant likes something different. For example, a plant that may be suited for "full sun" may like some afternoon shade. Some may not need much water while others seem to consume gallons on a daily basis. I'm also routinely surprised by plants that look dead but that suddenly spring to life when I've been too lazy or busy to pull them out.

You need to nurture your garden and treat the plants as individuals. Soon (like kids) they grow up and find friends that share common needs, and you can sit back and watch the plant bloom and thrive. You can't force a plant to be happy, so you need to find a strategy that works for you and the plant. When you find the right balance, it's like magic.

4. Gardening helps you make friends (human, animal, and insect). Organic gardening creates a little ecosystem outside your front door. The previous owners of our house used all sorts of chemicals in their garden (I know because we had to find a way to dispose of the stuff when we moved in), and I remember feeling disappointed because we rarely saw butterflies or bees or birds. After only a year, we had about a dozen bird species (including a nest with a family of finches) and loads of beneficial insects. Neighborhood cats enjoy the cat mint, much to Soma's enjoyment or chagrin, it's hard to tell. I've also gotten to know my neighbors since I spend so much time outside. Strangers may break the ice by asking about a specific plant or commenting on the garden generally. When our little guy arrives, I'm hoping he will join me in the garden, and I can teach him little things like the secret to good compost or how to identify plants and birds. It may sound cheesy, but I think it's cool!

5. Gardening forces you to confront fears. I remember when I first started gardening. My friend, Amy, and I would go to our favorite neighborhood nursery, Swanson's, to enjoy some coffee and some plants. I was totally overwhelmed. I had no idea how to select a plant or a bulb and was tempted to retreat. I knew nothing, but Amy showed me a few things and helped me get my bearings. Then, I started reading websites and books and magazines about gardening and grew more confident.

My new fear is vegetable gardening. I know nothing about how to make a tomato plant happy, but I want to try. I also want to try growing vegetables I've never eaten or grown before to experiment with something new. I'm terrified that I will fail and that my garden will have carcasses from failed veggie gardening endeavors, but I'm willing to take the risk. We'll see what happens!

6. Gardening promotes creativity and problem solving. This life lesson is related to the "work smarter not harder" lesson, but it's a little different. I find that gardening is really fun when you have a general vision that you want to execute. I love developing a color scheme and figuring out what textures and hues look good together. However, like life, it's rare that a vision is carried out exactly as planned. Sometimes, you need to adjust your original vision after discovering an unforeseen bump in the road. I love it when I've conquered a problem and can enjoy all the blooms that result!

7. Gardening gives you a break at the right times. For me, I need a break from gardening in the summer and in the winter. As much as I love getting dirty, sometimes you just want to kick back with a spiked hot cocoa or a gin and tonic (my preferred winter and summer libations) and chillax. Thankfully, the garden supports me. In the summertime, I can hang in the hammock or lounge in a chair with a good book while enjoying the sites, smells, and sounds of my garden. It's zen. In the winter, I still have some cool things to look at (e.g., my red twig dogwoods, hellebores, etc.), but I can stay warm and cozy in my house. Ahhh....

8. Gardening teaches you to focus on what you can control. Sometimes it's cold. Sometimes it's hot. Sometimes you buy a plant you've been wanting for years and it dies for no good reason. Sometimes you want a spot to be sunny but the sun won't follow your instructions. Despite all the variables, there are a few things you can control: where you put plants, the soil conditions, fencing to keep your compost loving dog out of the newly planted bed. Just do the best with what you've got. Focusing on what you can control helps you in life, and the garden is a great reminder of this important lesson.

9. Gardening puts you in touch with the world. I know this sounds very hippie, but the world has a pulse, a vibe that we often overlook. Not just the natural world, but cities, families, etc. When I was weeding today, I heard birds chirping, the wind blowing, and people mowing their lawns. I watched neighbors walking their dogs and welcoming friends and family for Easter brunch. I also noticed birds feeding on seeds, new blooms, and worms squirming when I woke them from their sleep or inadvertently took them away from their soil-building work. It's nice to notice these little things. I remember when I started my job after law school, and I was shocked and appalled that I didn't know the names of rivers in my area or what types of fish they produce. I want to be aware of my surroundings because you aren't really living if you shut yourself off from the world around you.

10. Gardening requires you to face and deal with problems. You can't deny it when a plant is covered in rust or black spot. It's also hard to ignore a brown, dried up mess in the corner surrounded by lots of vibrant healthy plants. You can only ignore a dead or dying plant for so long before you have to deal with it to prevent infecting surrounding plants. For me, it's a good reminder that it's always easier to address an issue right away than let it sit and turn into a bigger problem. For someone like me, who can easily avoid things and deny like no other, the garden is good therapy!

That concludes my deep thoughts for the day. Thanks for reading and let me know if you agree or think I'm crazy.

Happy Easter!