May is Fun!

We had a crazy May, but it was filled with friends, family, and fun. Here's the recap!

With a little help from Amy, Arlo and Wyatt became budding photographers.  

 Grandma Patty comforted Arlo when he was sick with Fifth Disease. 

Arlo went to the zoo with Grandma and Grandpa Patrick. 

Patty and Arlo had some good quality time.

Papa and Arlo took a break at the gorilla exhibit. 

Arlo pointed out that this is only a statue of a baby gorilla not a real baby gorilla on the loose.

We put Arlo to work fetching water (our old-fashioned lifestyle has gotten a little out of hand). 

Papa and Arlo played at the beach. 

Cousin Amelia and Cousin Lucy enjoyed a baseball game.

Cousin Ameila and Cousin Ingrid enjoyed lemonade. 

 Cousin Lucy was eaten by a giant salmon.

 But Lucy was, um, released from the salmon a short time later.

Amelia became a master climber. 

Lucy was the perfect swing pusher for Arlo. 

Cousin Ingrid showed us her superhero skills.  

Arlo admired Ingrid's technique. 

Then, Lucy gave it a try. 

Arlo preferred it when she pushed him on the swing. So demanding!

The kids and adults played at the International Fountain during the Folklife Festival.  

Lunch!

French Envy

A couple of months ago, my mother-in-law sent me a copy of Bringing Up Bebe (or BUB). The book is the latest bestseller that analyzes other cultures to find clues on how to be a good parent and raise successful kids. Remember all the hubbub over Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother?

Before I talk about BUB, I have to say that part of me wishes I lived in France. Yes, I have a romanticized notion that if I only lived in France, my days would be filled with an appropriate balance of work, leisure, and wine drinking. I would be thinner, happier, more attractive, and enjoy the moment.

Well, it turns out I would also be a better parent if I lived in France. "Puh-lease" you may say, "The French aren't better parents than us." I'm being a bit facetious when I say that I would be a better parent. The truth is that I think the French focus on a broader picture of parenting while Americans, being the delightful control freaks we are, often try to push a set of standards without looking at the whole child and their role as a member of society. If the observations in BUB are accurate, its incredible that French kids eat at restaurants, show remarkable independence at a young age, and learn how to manage tough emotions like frustration.

The French aren't perfect. They have a strange hostility to breastfeeding and model some pretty sexist behavior (what?! Moms don't wear sweatpants?!). But the truth is that we can learn a lot from French parenting norms. Here are a few things I've taken from the book:


Patience is Key: The French seem to emphasize waiting, and they believe in teaching the right behavior instead of correcting to form the right behavior. For example, if adults are talking and a child tries to interrupt, the French tell their kids to wait instead of immediately paying attention to them or brushed off with a "no".

Another example is mealtime. French people, including kids, eat at the same times every day: 8 a.m., noon, 4 p.m., and 8 p.m. The importance isn't the exact time, but the fact that there are three set meals and one set snack. In America, we tend to let kids eat whenever they want and that does not help teach them self control. If a kid wants a special treat, they can get it but they have to wait and eat it during afternoon snack. French kids also bake with their families, which is a perfect activity for teaching patience. You have to assemble the ingredients, wait for the thing to bake and cool, and wait to eat the fruits of your labor until snack or dessert. Brilliant. Arlo and I have already started baking together.


Independence: I've always felt like fostering independence is one of the biggest jobs I have as a parent. That said, it's hard. The line between encouraging independence and using appropriate precaution is unclear. Sometimes, I'm a helicopter parent. I admit it.

The reality is that babies know a lot more than you think they do. I'm constantly surprised by how much I underestimate Arlo. And besides, failing is the best way to learn. That doesn't mean I let him crawl on a jungle gym that is better suited for 12-year olds. But it does mean that maybe I should let him try to climb a reasonable structure by himself. Maybe I should let him try the slide backwards on his own. It's all good even if it's not. It reminds me of our American desire to sterilize everything. Now, we have drug resistant bacteria and ailments that probably could have been avoided with some good parasite/host symbiotic relationships.

The French believe that teaching independence starts from day one. French babies are famous for "doing their nights" within a couple of months. They go to day care (most if not all is government provided) at much higher rates than American kids and at a fairly young age.

To me, watching Arlo be independent, reach a new milestone, and/or figure something out for the first time is positive reinforcement that I'm doing a good job.

Community-Thinking: Despite the French approach to teaching independence, parents are dedicated to teaching their children that they are part of a society/community/collective. As such, they have to be thoughtful and conscientious (see the the section above on waiting). This is something I think American families often lack. Our culture is focused on independence and individualism above all else, and it seems like that attitude is only intensifying. French parents are firm decision makers and enforcers of certain norms and expectations, usually centered on social roles and interactions, but also let their kids have a lot of freedom with just about everything else. This is more than teaching kids to share and say "please" or "thank you", which are all good things. It's about teaching kids healthy ways to deal with differences and be respectful in certain situations like during meals.

Experiences and Pleasure v. Milestones and Achievements: This is something I struggle with a lot. I want Arlo to be smart and have the best chance in life, and sometimes I think that means he has to know how to count to 10 before he's 2 and speak in full sentences right now.

Americans have a belief that kids are sponges and should be coached into learning practical skills as early as possible. The truth is, I want Arlo to be happy. I would love for life to be easy for him, but the truth is that the real value of life is when you enjoy living it. I also believe very strongly that we Americans tend to become tunnelvisioned and overlook the incredible things that exist in our backyard.

The French believe in the rhythm of life and allowing a kid to awaken to life's experiences and pleasures on their own. They don't push preschoolers to read or do basic math. Every kid is different and they learn at their own pace and in their own way. I think of my own life, and how I was a late bloomer and didn't really understand how I needed to learn until much later in life.

I want Arlo to have awareness of the world. Right now, he loves observing things and is deliberate about how he participates, so I think we need to nurture his curiosity and allow him to choose how to live his life and find his place in it all. Don't get me wrong. Education is very important to us and we will challenge him in whatever way we can, but traditional education is one piece of the broader pie. I would rather have Arlo be well-rounded than be the next Steve Jobs. Although, a private plane would be nice...


I highly recommend BUB and encourage folks to read it with an open mind. You will probably have a few moments when you react to something at first blush with horror and confusion. But if you let it sink it, I think you will find bits and pieces that work for you and other approaches that you may do already.